Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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