Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
