quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
