Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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