Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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