Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
