people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my being single is dangerous.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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