every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
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Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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