We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
