Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
BRING THE BAGELS
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
