In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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