Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
