Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
