is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
