my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You may now shotgun with the bride
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
