make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
