just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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