I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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