Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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