I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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