I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
