We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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