why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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