I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
