The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
ttyl tear gas
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
