Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
