i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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