So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
smell my finger.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
