her vagine was all disorganized.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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