ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
