we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
