Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
