I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
