My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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