she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Randomize
