R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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