Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Welp...herpes.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
