I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
