never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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