ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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