yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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