sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
