I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
