i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I love you.
Bad choice
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