Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
