The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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