i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
