Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
