ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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