How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
