im six kinds of drunk right now
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
