i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
