Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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