I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
