I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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